sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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