I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
