I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
