I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
