Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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