I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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