I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
