We won't sleep together?
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
