They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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