just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
