Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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