My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
