Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize