i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
