the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
