Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
