Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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