The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
