I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
nut hugger
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
