The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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