Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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