My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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