explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
