fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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