i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
