Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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