Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
