wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
