I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize