Just fell off a train. Bad.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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