Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
