Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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