remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
