I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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