Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
