Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
