I accidentally had phone sex last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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