Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
