I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
