Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
