I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
