Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
