remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
