you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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