I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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