What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Less talking, more tequila
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
