I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
