I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
