If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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