Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just pee around me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
