You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
