You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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