About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
