why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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