i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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