I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
