So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
