I am spending my child support on dildos
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
